coming in January 2012!
"Whole for the Holidays"
There is no time of the year more loved or hated than the holiday season. The holidays create a variety of external challenges and stressors; these external stressors conspire with our internal stressors to create overwhelming and often unrealistic expectations of what a normal, average human being might reasonably accomplish.
We perceive and respond to social and cultural expectations that “we should be merry” when the truth is we are overwhelmed and exhausted; we may be dealing with loss or change: this may be the first holiday without a treasured member of the family, or the first holiday “away”, or the first holiday “back” in years. Many people experience “holiday blues”; perhaps due to unresolved family conflict or unpleasant memories of holidays past. The truth is that, for many of us, the holidays may be the saddest, most stressful time of the year. We are our own worst enemy for we create all our expectations in our minds.
The truth is there is no such thing as a “normal” family. The truth is the only person on the planet we can hope to change or control is ourselves. The truth is that not everyone has pleasant holiday memories. Everyone gets a little crazy this time of year due to holiday stressors and unrealistic expectations, and family and friends are not exceptions to the rule. What to do?
v Avoid needless stress by making physical changes (plan ahead, time management, budgeting, etc); self-care; minimize time with people who upset/bother you; say “no”; prioritize and only expect to accomplish 50% of daily to-do’s
v Alter if possible by respectfully asking others to change behavior (be aware they may ask you to do the same!); communicate feelings using “I” statements; organize/time manage your day; set limits with others up front (“I only have five minutes…”)
v Accept that some things are the way they are. Talk it out with a trusted friend or counselor; forgive yourself for not being able to affect the change you want; forgive the other person for not changing (your anger at them hurts you physically, not them!); keep self-talk positive and encouraging; learn from mistakes
v Adapt – by changing your standards or expectations you release the perception that there is nothing you can do – you can adapt! Adjust your standards; be mindful of thoughts – cancel negative thoughts and replace them with positive thoughts; reframe an issue by finding a new reference point (what’s wrong/what’s right); create a positive slogan for yourself (“I’m strong and resilient”) and repeat it silently when the going gets tough; create a list of things you are grateful for and call on that when you get upset.
The “perfect Holiday” DOES NOT EXIST. Martha Stewart, Rachel Ray and everyone in Hollywood has staff. Lots and lots of people to do things for them that create the illusion of perfection to outside eyes. Holiday perfectionism creates major stress for the perfectionist and those in contact with him/her. If all of your time and effort are expended in creating an illusion, when do you get to feel happy, spontaneous or joyous? Holiday perfectionism may rob you of the very happiness and satisfaction that you are trying to create.
What to do?
ü Apply the four A’s to family and friends – short visits with unpleasant family members; do not offer to house those you truly do not want. If multiple family functions are planned for the holidays, pick and choose which ones to attend, or attend only briefly (30-40 minutes). If you know a family fight always brews after dinner – eat and run! If the fight always occurs before dinner – come fashionably late. Alcohol a problem? – have a dry holiday. Have an “action plan” in place to avoid, distract, defuse any potential family feuds.
ü Create new, enjoyable holiday traditions with family or friends to replace events or traditions tainted with unpleasant memories; take time to remember those that have passed and grieve by sharing stories, pictures or heirlooms at the holidays.
ü Underbook and say “no” –saying yes when you don’t mean it makes everybody happy except you. Saying “no” honors your current time commitments and relationships, and is part of good time management; it provides opportunity for others to volunteer and build skills and social networks; overcommitted = rundown and creates ill health both short and long-term.
Creating and keeping a holiday budget is the easiest way to relieve financial stresses. Budgeting may be complicated by extended family giving habits, a partner’s money habits, etc. Use the four A’s to deal with interpersonal issues around gift-giving and spending, and acknowledge and account for your own unhealthy spending habits, if any. If you routinely go broke on presents, ask yourself some of the following questions:
§ Am I buying out of guilt?
§ Am I buying to impress others?
§ Am I buying because I don’t want s/he, them to think that…..
§ Am I buying to make myself feel better? (Suppress/distract from feelings)
Commercialism. We all complain about it, but what to do? It’s easy to forget what the season is really about –connecting and open hearts, bringing light into darkness, reflection and remembrance. Spirituality creates benefits in mental health and may help relieve stress.
Spiritual practice
§ Creates a sense of purpose
§ Creates a sense of connection
§ Supports the release of control
§ Creates support
§ Supports better health (faster healing) and better stress management
Get back to the true spirit of the Holidays by volunteering or making a donation to someone less fortunate. Give thoughtful gifts of service (a coupon for baby- or pet-sitting, a winter’s worth of snow shoveling, “chauffer” service to the doctor for an elder person, etc.) Saves money, too!
The skills of simplifying, reducing expectations, budgeting, time management, and the four A’s will go far in relieving seasonal stressors. Now, all we have to do is take care of ourselves!
· Solutions
Winter Body Basics:
v Get enough sleep – winter is “hibernation time”, we may actually crave more sleep than usual. Plan and stick to a set bedtime, try to rise with daylight to reduce effects of seasonal affective disorder. A well rested body will be able to resist infections more easily. Consider a 20 minute “siesta”, if possible. Have an established “quitting time”, stop all activity and relax for at least 30 minutes before bed. Do not read or watch TV in bed (distractions).
v Use light therapy and full spectrum bulbs to combat Seasonal Affective Disorder, eat a high protein breakfast and lunch and consider taking 5-HTP, a safe natural anti-depressant (check with pharmacist if taking prescription medications)
v Maintain a healthy eating pattern
§ Eat breakfast and include protein
§ Eat seasonally – lots of hot, veggie-filled soups with warming elements (garlic, peppers, leeks, onions, turnips)
§ Keep healthy snacks on hand as holiday goodies roll into the office
§ Don’t skip meals, especially before a party!
§ Eat a high-fiber meal before you go to a party, arrive full, nosh less!
§ Walk-through the buffet before you get in line; have your healthy choices all planned out before you start to fill your plate; fill plate with single layer of food ( don’t “stack” veggies over rice, etc.)
§ Eat small portions of holiday foods you love; deprivation doesn’t work
§ Eat slowly, enjoy the food on your plate, skip “seconds”
§ Minimize sugar intake – (use stevia where you can), sugar in the bloodstream depresses white blood cell function for hours, which decreases immune system function
§ Add in natural sources of Vitamin C (fruits and veggies) and antioxidants
v Hydration – make sure you get in plenty of water (no ice), herbal teas, etc. Limit yourself to one alcohol beverage at a party, then back to water with lemon.
v Leave the party early – you have a bedtime waiting!
v Exercise – use simple substitutes for gym time: take stairs, park at the far end of the lot, walk on your lunch break, walk the mall or around the parking lot before you begin shopping, take stretch breaks instead of coffee breaks, etc.
Now we know how stress happens, and we have learned strategies to prevent stress from overwhelming us or the holiday season. We have learned that we need to self-care, time manage, budget, set realistic expectations, say “no” and set limits. And most importantly, we have remembered that the true gifts of the season come from Spirit. I sincerely hope you take what you have learned here and create a happy, healthy, meaningful holiday season. And, if this one turns out just like all the others, don’t beat yourself up; you now have a truly useful list of New Year’s Resolutions and can get to work early on the next holiday season!
May the peace of the Holiday season be with you.
Andrea Gruszecki, ND
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